I know what i want. I have no idea what i want. I'm confused. I'm not sure how to go about getting what i want. I want to just be myself really. I want to make others happy. I don't feel these things coincide very well.

I'm totally head over heals for someone who just told me they don't love me back. Well not so much that they don't love me 'back' as i didn't say i loved them, but that they feel for me but don't know if they love me. Yet i'm ecstatic. The communication is there and that in and of itself is a miracle to me. Plus i don't mind just loving them, its a beautiful wonderful thing to feel in and of itself. I would love to feel loved by them, truly i would, but more important to me is that they feel something and that closeness is possible. More then anything i want to be what they need and be there for them. I'm just feeling very loving right now. Plus they really do kinda fascinate me. I'm on a sort of high right now. I guess i have little expectation for anything and am just enjoying wherever life takes me and right now it seems to be putting me in a place where i can at least try to make amends for past wrongs. That means so much to me because i truly regretted a lot. I made some of the biggest mistakes of my life a few years ago, and i get to apologize for them. Thank the goddess.

I feel bad in a small way though. I feel very very free and flighty and above all emotional. I worry though because i know others feelings can be more grounded and practical. And practically people have needs, people feel jealousy, people can be easily hurt. I don't want to hurt anyone, but it is very hard when loving so freely is often just not enough. I don't feel the need to establish a relationship or commitment every time i feel love for someone. I don't really feel any sort of negative feeling knowing that someone i care for has feelings, affections, connections, physical relations, and so on with someone else. Granted i've dealt with my fair share of jealousy, but for right now that seems to have fled in the face of how i feel now.

I don't feel the need to do any more then explore what comes by and pursue what catches my eye. To aim for strong but high goals, try to truly change this world and this country for the better, and to also try and get to know more people, feel real and strong emotions. To let all of life wash over me and effect me as it may, but let none of it take away from me. I feel as though i am able to well adapt to anything from the outside because i feel such positive things from the inside. I want to give love when i feel it, but feel no pressure to do so.

I also worry about the silly drama llamas of course because i have seen some sort of sad attempts at such lately, which seem pointless to me when years ago i would have played a part. I do not understand the spread of negative things or the need to bring drama involving certain members into a community at large. I think it does make sense for the sake of getting support, but is in many ways needless and unnecessary, and does not say much for those who start or further it.

But back to what is important, i do have some worries. I do not want my disregard for the general demands of life to hurt those i care about. If anything i want to be there moreso for those i care about. I also find i have little patience for those who can't care for themselves though, or can't hmm...i dunno. Its hard to explain. I just would like to live right now.

The unknown is a bit nerve wracking sometimes! Its hard getting limited doses of what you crave and a whole lot of everything else. Heh, that wasnt the drug reference it sounded like. Though on that note i'm considering taking my ADHD meds again. Eh. One, i need to focus more in school if i want to do well enough to be satisfied, two...eh.

I'm in a question mood tonight :D I feel like getting to know more, about people mostly, but anything really. Hmm, anyone reading this who feels like it, i'd love for you to post something interesting i don't know about you. I'm just...insatiably curious right now. I want to know everything i can, and the why behind it.

I'm also feeling like i'm coming into my own a lot more lately, even though i'm battling more with inner problems more then i have since early high school. I think thats good. The first part.

I certainly am working more on finding an inner peace. And pursuing what i care about.

We'll see where this leads me ^.^

Its a damn good thing i don't have a car. I'd just get in and start driving, who knows where i'd end up! I would just go, so effortlessly, to places unknown.

The unknown, its such a tempting thing. I feel like i'm balancing on the edge of a knife, able to fall either way. I'm not sure where my life will go from now, and while whatever happens next may or may not have any permanence, it will change me.

I believe in love. Above everything i believe in love. It's one thing i think i have always known how to do, from my best to my worst times. When i'm hopeful and expectant and facing the sun with only bright thoughts of the future i believe in love. When i'm trapped in the prison of my mind, lost in depths of obsession and insanity that sprung up with no warning, i still believe in love. When i'm scared and have trouble breathing, and am shaking with wonder, i believe in love. When i'm numb and it seems i'll never feel or cry again and all i can do is dream, i believe above all in love. I know well what my life is about. I am because i love, or i love because i am. I don't just mean romantic love, often i find that shallow even in its limits, its restraints. I just mean an overwhelming sweeping wave of joyous appreciation, fascination, adoration, and more for everything or anything. I admit, i'm not very good at letting my love be so free as to truly love everything that deeply, often i find myself feeling other less pleasant things. But i can and have come to be able to love freely, and to devote myself to that love. I believe i have submerged my spirit in this and really do know what i wish my life to be about.

The thing is this all makes me care even less about some of what others see as the base necessities of life. Not to make light of things which i too find to be wonderful, but i care much less for romantic gestures, sexual interaction, the structures of relationships, and so on. They are still important, dont get me wrong, but they pale in comparison to what i am do sometimes feel and very much desire to feel now. Love separate from those things, separate even from any acknowledgment, is still so powerful. It does not matter to me as much what others may think and feel of me, or where the course of my life goes, because i could just as well love no matter what the case. And i do. Some of the people or places i direct my love to may not be the wisest choices, while some are some of the best choices i can dream of, but it doesnt matter to me. What i feel is what i feel regardless, apart from any other pain or joy that may come from the situation itself.

Well i'm done with that rant for the moment. Not even sure why i wanted to get that out there. Partly because i just enjoy looking back on my words. But maybe because i feel that human urge to express myself to others. Thats alright then, i like sharing.

On another note, i've found my mind quite easily falls into the tricky grasp of obsession. Here come some demons from my past, yay! Its four summers ago all over again. But not quite. Oh, summer used to be such a wonderful time by the way. Have i mentioned i want to go back to camp? Its entirely unrelated to what i was trying to ramble about now, but worth saying. That place changes lives, changes my life. Its been...wow, six, seven, maybe more years. And it still changes my life every day. Imagine finding heaven on earth...and having to leave it. On the bright side i learned so much!

Hmm, i think i'm done for the moment. Its time to maybe take a nap. Thats what i get for staying up till six. It was well worth it to chance repairing something i hated myself for losing. Oh, and for the wonderful inspiring thoughts that it helped further. The whole love rant might have been prompted by that. Not that i wasnt thinking that before, its been on my mind for quite a while now, but talking about it last night helped me put it more into words today. And i've still only scratched the surface.

Oh, and i need something to do tonight. To much going on in my head to just sit at home. Gunna find some adventure?

I havent written here in a long time.  There isnt all that much i feel like writing about though.  Theres a lot going on mind you, but nothing i want to release from the sanctuary prison of my mind.  Whee!

Maybe more in depth...someday.

Please vote for Trash Cat so he can be on the main page of I can has cheezburger! Help fulfill his lofty dreams!
http://mine.icanhascheezburger.com/view.aspx?ciid=2543553

OBAMA WON!!!!!!!

Theres no way im going to class tomorrow...just...not happening. I wont have enough sleep, specially since im still too hyper up to go to bed. WOW!!!!!!


HE REALLY DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

TAKE THAT SARAH PALIN!!!! PWND!!!!!!!!!


hahahahahahah, okay, im done now.

.....HELL YEAH, GO OBAMA!!!!!!!

...okay, now im really done. gunna go have some celebratory sex methinks, or maybe i'll read.

CAUSE OBAMA WON!!!!

Your result for The Celtic Goddess Test...

Brigid

You scored 15 Brigid, -2 Aine, 6 Tailtiu, 11 Macha, 11 Rhiannon and 3 Cerridwen!

Take The Celtic Goddess Test at HelloQuizzy

Its kinda funny how soon as i have a page to write on before me i feel i have so much i want to get out. Oh well, it will have to wait.




Secure Yourself

Secure yourself to heaven.
Hold on tight, the night has come.
Fasten up your earthly burdens,
You have just begun.

In the ink of an eye I saw you bleed;
Through the thunder I could hear you scream,
Solid to the air I breath,
Open-eyed and fast asleep.
Falling softly as the rain;
No footsteps ringing in your ears.
Ragged down worn to the skin,
Warrior raging, have no fear.

Secure yourself to heaven.
Hold on tight, the night has come.
Fasten up your earthly burdens,
You have just begun.

Kneeling down with broken prayers,
Hearts and bones from days of youth.
Restless with an angel's wing,
I dig a grave to bury you.
No feet to fall,
You need no ground.
Allowed to glide right through the sun,
Released from circles guarded tight,
Now we all are chosen ones.

Secure yourself to heaven.
Hold on tight, the night has come.
Fasten up your earthly burdens,
You have just begun.

Daylight
See the dew on the sunflower
And a rose that is fading
Roses whither away
Like the sunflower
I yearn to turn my face to the dawn
I am waiting for the day . . .

Midnight
Not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory?
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan

Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

Every streetlamp
Seems to beat a fatalistic warning
Someone mutters
And the streetlamp gutters
And soon it will be morning

Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I musn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

Burnt out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
The streetlamp dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning

Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is

Look
A new day has begun



I still remember Mosh. I'll never forget. And i wonder, will i ever truly be home again?
I love life, but still, everything always pales in comparison.
Some of those closest to me don't even know, or understand.
No one sees how i stop, remembering.
Sweet mountains, perfect sky, my heart beats for you
Long sunsets, fierce storms, my fire burns for you
Everlasting memories, ties stronger then blood, stir my passions once again
Blazing bonfire, lifeblood songs, bring me home
bring me home

All i can hope, is that i visit my love, my home, my heart, in my dreams
I understand how a sailor can live for the sea or a warrior love and die for his country because one place means more to me then the world

And my wolfsister, she is the only one who understands. Has she forgotten? Am i alone in this finally.

A lone wolf howls at the moon, will a pack respond. Will the lost wolf make its way back to its territory? The home where its heart and soul will be waiting.


I suppose i can at least say i have had something in my lifetime that most never feel. If only i could explain.

Being sick the past few days has kinda sucked. I don't feel terrible now, but not great either. I'm hoping my appetite is back though, i miss food. I'm not going to class today by the way. My teacher said she'd excuse the absence, and i could email her my paper later. I havent even looked at the reading that the paper must be on. I think i'm gunna sleep more first. Oh, Andrew got out of the housing crap, yay! And i'm excited for when i finally get to meet Eric!

So thats it for the Rachael broad cast.

In other news, Fred and George yaoi is totally sexy.

Colorful bras are amazing.

Barb wants a kitten with holes poked in it.

The game has once again been lost (if you find it please let me know)

Andrew snores like a gorilla...or a train wreck.

The room is still a mess.

I decided our bed is the treehouse, cause it kinda is...just the trees that make it up are dead.

Well thats it for today! Or maybe it isn't! You never know.

I thought this looked interesting

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Acts of Service.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		12
Acts of Service:		6
Physical Touch:		5
Receiving Gifts:		4
Words of Affirmation:		3

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

Rachael needs more sleep, but has class in half an hour. She also needs some other intangible 'thing' but isnt quite sure what yet. She has a whole lot of chaos inside her head as usual, but is trying to puzzle out what she feels. Her life seems to be great, but still could be better. She loses the game a lot. And has no clue how to stop writing in the first person dammit.

So yeah. Theres a whole lot to say. Schools started, classes are fun. Sociology is casual and fairly easy. Same with analytical reading and writing. Traditions and Cultures of Judaism is really interesting. And Contemporary Moral Problems has been all about baby killing so far, yay! I feel like it doesnt cover useful things to do with dead babies after though, like eating them. I got pastels, and want to use those soon. I need clothes, part of the whole getting ready for class thing. So yeah, clothes > class > ... Lets do it. Oh, and in Contemporary Moral Problems our syllabus says we cant lose the game in class, thanks Aaron.

More later?

Cause theres so much confusion and questions in this heart of mine, and the answers are just out of reach.

SUMMER CLASS IS OVER!!! And i get to start moving in today!!! And see Barb!!! And i lost the game!!!

I made pancakes this morning. One ended up having a whole bunch of eye eye mouths, it look kinda like Dumpario. Why do these things happen???

Andrew and i went to the library yesterday and i got a lot of the books i used to love as a kid to re-read. Most are by Bruce Coville. He kicks ass as far as authors go. No really, he does.

So what should i start moving in? I'm not sure what to bring and what not to. I mean, clothing, dur. But what else? Cause i'm not moving in completely yet i dont think. So computer and stuff will wait. I'm not sure if i want to bring my book shelf. I guess i just have to see how things are set up at the place and decide. Heh, that was just something to ramble about.

Things i am looking forward to RIGHT NOW:
moving in today
other people starting to move in (Hanabi, Juan, etc)
freshmen to terrorize, er, i mean befriend
classes starting
Andrew's birthday

tHis SentEnce hAs ranDom capItAlizatIon. yeah, it annoys me too.

Oh, i found this shirt amusing, it said "I have CDO, its like OCD but all the letters in the right order like the should be"

YAY!!!!!!! *runs in circles*

This program was brought to you by the Wazoo Liberation Front. If you would like to help liberate the wazoos leave a comment here and we can get you involved.

Happy: its the last day of class
Sad: final exam
Happy: final exam going to be easier then it was supposed to be
Sad: still have a lot of studying to do and no time to do it
Happy: ordered stuff for Andrews birthday
Sad: used the wrong bank account for paypal which ticked me off and means i may have to pay a fee for over drawing
Happy: get to see Barb sunday and start moving in at school
Sad: want more MTG cards and probably don't have the money for them, until i'm sure i have my job this year of campus
Happy: have a lot of time with Andrew this weekend and will probably have an anime watching marathon thing, with lots of House MD as well
Sad: lost the game
Ha, so maybe thats not so sad.

Anyways, i'm fairly happy with how life is going. Things with Andrew are great most of the time, although we both really miss spending more time together. I miss Scott cause i haven't seen him in a while, but hes probably busy and i'm sure will be less so in the future. Things with Eric are good i believe, although again i wish i had more time. I also wish he didn't live as far away cause i would love to be able to meet him. There are a few other interesting people i very much enjoy talking to. Still i feel i'm lacking something because although there are a lot of important people in my life i'm truly close to very few of them. I have more than enough friends, but in comparison to the past, i have almost no close friends. Some i may become closer to, but some i just don't think i will. And i miss meeting new people and developing that closeness and that spark. I wonder why that just hasn't been present too much in my life as of late.

I really just can't wait for school to start. There hasn't been enough chaos and change in my life. I've felt like a much more subdued version of myself. I hope its just temporary and not a glimpse what life is like more and more as it progresses and i get older. I mean, i like that i'm more mature, but i miss the manifestation of the chaos. All of the chaos and insanity is shut up in my head with not great outlet. I feel like scribbling all over the walls with crayon until they give way to another universe in which i am a goddess. Haha.

So i need something to catch the wasp thats stuck in my room in so i can let it outside.

Otakon was pretty epic. Lots of losing the game. I got two more sets of ears and a wolf tail and a cat tail. The wolf tail is not my favorite as far as color goes but its nice enough and i might dye the white tip another color. Andrew got a whole lot of chobits stuff, but surprise there. I met some interesting people and the rave was awesome. Really though the best thing that happened was i saw Alex. Honestly that made me so happy. I hope he actually does keep in touch this time.

So i'm planning on moving some of my stuff to the dorm next weekend, it should make it easier to clean and organize everything. Class also ends this week which will be nice. I'm really tired of summer classes. I mean i want more class to start with school and all, its just summer classes that feel so..blah.

I also re-did my pounced ad again. Was in a spazzy mood and felt like rambling in it.

Well, i'm gunna go read now.

Lost the game.

So heres another journal entry, yay! This one is named Fredrick. Be nice to Fredrick, he's shy.

Life is...life-like, big surprise there. I'm really behind on emails and messages on OkCupid, should probably catch up on those. I also should do my project for government. I should also really clean my room. And i should do laundry. Plus i would like to play some DDR and figure out which cards i need to spiffy up my magic deck. Yeah, so i have a lot i should do.

I'm really really looking forward to school starting for a number of reasons. Firstly it will be fun living with Amber, Barb, and Hanabi. Plus i'll still stay at my house and hang out with Aaron and Mel some of the time. Oh yes, and of course i'll stay will Andrew some nights, so i'll be able to hang out with him, Adam, Juan, and whoever their other roommates are. So lots of hanging out with friends and meeting new people.
I'm also really looking forward to classes. Sociology will be awesome cause its with Andrew. Analytical reading and writing will be easy cause i've taken it already. Contemporary moral problems will be even more awesome cause both Andrew and Aaron are in it. And then the Judaism class will be jew-tastic and full of win i'm sure.

So in a dream a while ago i bought a couple of guinea pigs. Last night in my dream i realized they had bred, so now i have a bunch of dream guinea pigs for sale. If you want one let me know, there are five available.

Oh, i lost the game.

More later? Right now i have a to do list to procrastinate doing.

So after years of considering getting a live journal i finally have. I really have no idea why, but its happened. You should prepare for the world to end. No, not because i got a livejournal, its an entirely unrelated comment. The reason the world is going to end is a secret. Sorry, can't tell you. I might even be lying about it ending. Oh well.

I feels nice to write to an invisible and most likely non-existant audiance again.

On a completely separate note, Andrew is considering getting a turtle. I support this in the sense that having a turtle will be really awesome. I also worry about getting yet another pet. Especially one that lives for 25 years or so. But hey, my love for animals is bound to outrule my common sense so one lucky or unlucky turtle will probably join our insane household sometime in the future. Probably once school starts and things settle down a bit.

Oh, and on one more note (i'm almost creating a whole melody here), i'm hungry. I've had a small piece of cheese and a couple mints all day. I should have more but all i really want is pasta and i'm making that for dinner. I can already here my mother yelling in my head about how often i eat pasta and how i need a balanced diet. Goddess forbid if i try and have some right now she might actually explode from my eyeball to scold me.

That is all for now. More will follow in brief spasms since i've always been horrible with keeping up with journals and great and writing and huge bursts three times a day for a few days before i stop again.